A month ago, I felt that piercing of the heart as I read 1 Corinthians 10: 20-22: "No, but the sacrifices of pagans are offered to demons, not to God, and I do not want you to be participants with demons. You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too; you cannot have a part in both the Lord's table and the table of demons. Are we trying to arouse the Lord's jealously? Are we stronger than he?" This may not be what the passage directly relates to, but as I read that, I realized that I had been trying to sit at both the table of the Lord and the table of demons. I had certain idols in my life that whether I wanted to admit it or not, were sometimes more important than God. Even though those idols were not necessarily "ugly", they were idols; a form of beautified idols. And so, at my moments of loneliness, jealousy, and hurt, I realized that I was in the same place I have been before; this vulnerable place that exposes my desire to be loved, to feel needed. Before I know it, my self-worth and value shifts from God's beautiful perception of me, to what others think or make me feel.
And then I think about my jealous God, who violently chases after me; does he need that verbal affirmation too? the same kind of attention? It's that lightning that strikes you when you realize, "Wow, God. I have failed to see you again. Is this how you feel?"
All the while, He keeps telling me that He is my lover. The Lover. There is no one else who can be put before Him. He is a jealous God.
So I run in passionate pursuit of Him once again- far far away from those demons, the same ones I have struggled with for a lifetime; from making those things idols.
So for the past couple of weeks, I took a break. I became like a bear and hybernated for a while, spending some much needed time with my family, and with God. I experienced that soul rejuvenation I had been longing for. As I read through 2 Corinthians, Scripture once again came alive to me. And I found myself falling more and more in love with my God. As I spent time with Him, tears flowed down my face. The love of God brings me to weep like a little baby. And I cannot grasp it, nor contain. But I love it. "My Abba loves me with abandoned delight, and He longs for me to be abandoned in my love for Him."
So how is it, that after all that, I find myself right back where I hate being. Trying to hush the lies I just cannot shake. Getting hurt by little things I know are stupid. Where I want to withdraw, for fear of getting hurt. Thinking, "Wait a minute. I hate this place. What am I doing back here?" It's that loneliness, jealousy, and hurt all over AGAIN.
In reality, it is a choice. I may forever be haunted with these insecurities, but I will forever be loved by a jealous God. And those insecurities mean nothing, because my security is found in Him. And while it is not always easy, it is truth.
I can believe the lies, or I can choose to believe the truth.
So as I start this new year (woop woop), 2009, I long for peace: Peace with God; Peace with myself; Peace with the past; Peace with the future; and Peace with the right now. This "place" that I despise so much, helps me to fight through these battles within. I continue to learn how to let go and surrender to the One who is Everything. I quiet myself so that God can become louder.
Be my everything